The energies lately have been very intense. For many of us, the energies have forced our biggest fears up to be faced. Old patterns, things that no longer serve us, have been brought up to be released and healed. We feel as if our world has been turned upside down, our feet knocked out from under us, our foundation shaken. Personally, this manifested for me through my son. My biggest fear since my daughter Samantha died last June has been that something would happen to Christopher.
Recently, he was diagnosed with gallstones. The alternative methods that worked so well on Samantha have not worked on Christopher. Last week, he had a major gallbladder attack. I knew that the gallbladder would have to be removed.
I found myself panicking. I was terrified that he wouldn’t make it through surgery. My partner, Michael, was working and I was terrified of going through the crisis by myself. I was finding lots of things to panic about.
When I talked to the surgeon, who knew Samantha most of her life, I explained my fears to him and he assured me that he would take special care of Christopher. I felt a little better about the surgery, but still found myself panicking. I realized that I had some major issues that I needed to heal to prevent my fears from coming true. I teach my clients that ‘Worry is prayer for what you don’t want’. I know that by worrying about something, you are manifesting that very thing. I spent some time the night before surgery healing my issues. While Samantha was alive, I was “Samantha’s Mother”. Caring for her and her many medical needs gave me ‘worth’. Since losing Samantha, there has been a part of me that no longer wanted to be on this earth. I chose to stay here because of Christopher, not for myself. I had to accept that I was on earth to be more than “Samantha’s Mother” or “Christopher’s Mother”. I am here at this time for myself. I am here to complete a mission that has nothing to do with my children. I had to accept that I had to choose life even if I were to lose both of my children. This was not easy to come to terms with, but I knew I really had no choice. I could continue to fight learning this lesson and face more fears with Christopher, or I could accept it. I chose to make it easier on myself and accept it. This acceptance has been very freeing for me. I lost all of my fear of Christopher having surgery. I am more accepting of him going off to college than I have been. I am able to let go of him a bit.
Turning 50 was very traumatic for me. I refused to be 50 and have been ignoring my birthday each year. Healing this issue has helped me to come to terms with the fact that I am aging. I have the understanding that it is better to be 53 than the alternative of not being alive at all. Healing this issue has helped me to decide to live again. I accept that just because Samantha’s life is over does not mean that mine is over.
I have chosen to let go of my “False Expectations Appearing Real” and see reality instead. I choose to see the beauty of every day and the hope for tomorrow.
copyright April 2007 Claudia McNeely